Maybe you can help me understand.......?

IceGem wrote:

Hey,

One for the guys, cos I sure as heck don't understand mine!

...

Grrrr! drives me crazy!

The real question you have to ask yourself is why are you willing to put up with his behavior?  If something isn't right for you anymore, get out and break free of this constant emotional power play.  He says, "I love you please don't leave me."  So you stay or get back together with him, but really he's just acting a selfish insecure child.  Once he feels secure in the relationship again he starts treating you poorly and all these mixed signals are driving you bonkers.

Real men say what they mean, there is no hidden context.  Real men treat their women well.  My personal opinion is that he's become emotionally attached to you. He likes certain things you offer to him as a GF, but at the same time he kind of resents being with you for whatever weird reason of his, like some sick twisted interdependence.  So instead of talking to you about how he feels about you and the relationship he acts like a complete arse and is mean to you.  This is a typical behavior of a child wanting someone to express unconditional love to them, they act out and act ridiculous and they’re parents still love them and put up with them.  This is not behavior you should want or have to tolerate in a serious, long term, mutually respectful, and loving relationship.

And the whole, “I’ll change, I’ll change, I promise," is just a bunch of silliness.  How many times has he made this promise? How many times has he broken it?  Why are you putting up with his bad behavior?  We all are who we are for the most part and until this boy of yours has some serious life altering event he'll most likely always be pulling this Jekyll-Hyde stuff with you for the duration of your on again off again relationship.  If you can't accept him and his bad behavior and he won't talk to you about what's really bothering him considering moving on and cutting all ties to him.

His weepiness may just be his age and inexperience with relationships.  I know the compulsion is to feel empathy for the weepy party, but you need to love yourself first and foremost.  If you've been dating this guy on and off again since high-school, it's time to break free give yourself some time to figure out who you are and then go find yourself a man that will treat you well and with respect. A different man, and I emphasize different.

You deserve to be treated well and feel loved at all times, not all relationships are perfect, but there is a right way and a wrong way to handle disagreements and relationship frustrations.  In the end it's all about finding that special someone that you can deal with all their weird crap, and if you can't deal with this boys crap, stop torturing yourself and move on.  It’s really hard to breakup sometimes when you’ve been together for so long, but ask yourself a few questions:

Are you growing in the relationship as an individual and as a couple?
Do you feel happy and content in the relationship? 
Do you see yourself with this person five, ten, twenty-plus years from now?  It’s not going to get any better and why try to wait for him to change?

Your course of action in the relationship should be obvious, even though it may be hard to come to terms with being a single woman again, life is too short to spend it in a quasi-miserable state with someone who doesn’t truly love you and treat you the way you want to be treated.

You need to follow through with your verbalization of disgust with his behavior. It’s just going to get more ridiculous and he’s just going to drive you more crazy, until one day you just finally snap and walk out on him anyway.  Saying to yourself, “Why did I waste another X number of years with this zero?!"   And since he’s acting like he doesn’t want to be with you anymore let him taste the loss of you permanently.  Be strong, do not give into his tears and take him back. Move on with your life.  Either he’ll get his act together and be a better man for another person, or he’ll just continue being himself and not learn anything from loosing you.  But whatever you do, don’t get back together with this guy after you make a decision to no longer be in the relationship, if that’s what you want and need to be happy again.

Last edited by Kellie Leah (06-17-2008 20:53)

Haha, blimey KL thats a book darlin! haha.

Thanks. It would be nice for him to be able to come out with this stuff! And as for his age, he should really be growing up, he's nearly 29. haha! Your right, it is like spoilt child behaviour. Fine till he is told no, then it's tantrum time.

It would be nice to actually find a bloke that says what he actually means and just wants the same stuff and to be happy. Cos I suppose although I can put up with this for now, your right I can't put up with it forever! And our long term goals are very different I think, although he tries to tell me they are the same. He is happy to plod along in the world, same job, nothing changing, he likes the familiarity of everything. But I want to make something of myself. I have changed my job 3 times since we have got together to better myself and earn more money etc etc, for us as much as anything, so we can have a nice house and a happy future, yet he is happy to plod along on a not great wage (not bad, but if he pushed himself it could be alot better). He would be happy if in 10 years time I could be supporting him, so he could be a house husband and look after kids when we had em! And I dont want that, I want a man with ambition and drive. I'm not saying I wanna travel the world, but to have a nice house, go on nice holidays and just not have to struggle to survive!

I know, your right in a million ways, and I need to be big and brave like I keep saying and just bite the bullet, but I just feel sooooo bad everytime I try and I see his little sad face! And I know that is easy to do and he is making me feel bad, but I then start thinking well he must love me cos he gets in a really bad way when I finish with him.

But on the other hand as much as I love him, I know that the future is not what I want and that makes me sure I should finish it. But I just can't bloody do it! Ahhhhhh!

I wish he would just decide he's had enough and want to finish it, it would make it so easy!

Nat07B wrote:

Then you'd be hurting coz he left you and you'd be exactly as he is now. If you feel bad when you see 'his sad little face' maybe you shouldn't see him?

Nat! You always bring me back down to earth with that nice ole thud that wakes me up. haha!

Na I wouldn't be sad right now if he left, it would make it so I dont have to leave him and feel bad. I want it anyway really, so if he did it that would be fine I thinks!

I know I shouldn't see him, and have done very little over the last week and a half (good going for me, I usually see him every day) But I mean when I see him to tell him I'm leaving him, that's when I struggle. Maybe I should talk to him through a door or somethin! haha!

Sounds like hes holding you back--you sure you can find better and be happy with somebody else? If so then "be a man" and finish this loser off 

Skylor wrote:

Sounds like hes holding you back--you sure you can find better and be happy with somebody else? If so then "be a man" and finish this loser off 

Haha, he's not a loser, just not for me! At least that's my diplomatic view anyhoo! There must be someone out there better suited to me tho!

Aw thanks. lol.

If that's your decision, one more thing and he's goin, you've got to stick to it. You know it, I know it, he knows it, everyone knows it!

Though in a way, why drag out the inevitable. Just make sure you don't back down this time!

You've made a promise now, never make a promise you can't keep! No matter who it's to! I'm off home now, catch you tomorrow.

P.S. Why is it I buy brand new stockings and already I have a hole in the toe. GR!

sounds like it is time to move on. happy hunting.

IceGem wrote:

Hey,

One for the guys, cos I sure as heck don't understand mine!

Background - We have been together 4.5 years and have pretty much split up for a short period of time every year (we seem to go round in circles). And now we are back at that stage, and I know men are know for saying one thing and meaning another, but it's ridiculous.

...

Grrrr! drives me crazy!

poor girl! let's put it this way: he's not a bad person, in fact, he could be the sweetest guy on earth! but then... he's very macho and also a little childish still... if you think you can live with it, then please do so, and you won't rant about it. if not, it's better to break up. you deserve someone better! and if you do break up, don't look back and wonder what if... because it wouldn't be any "if".

if you ask me... you're better off without him. on off relationships are never pretty. you'll end up totally losing faith in men and maybe hurt the next one that come along because he's a man. personal experience. not proud of it, but i think you should know.
don't find excuses for him, because those excuse will BE excuses and nothing more.
break it up when you still have something nice to remember him of. (sounds really bitter heh?)

like i said, you deserve better.

God bless!

Last edited by bbtan (06-17-2008 20:23)

Kellie Leah wrote:

IceGem wrote:

Hey,

One for the guys, cos I sure as heck don't understand mine!

...

Grrrr! drives me crazy!

The real question you have to ask yourself is why are you willing to put up with his behavior?  If something isn't right for you anymore, get out and break free of this constant emotional power play.  He says, "I love you please don't leave me."  So you stay or get back together with him, but really he's just acting a selfish insecure child.  Once he feels secure in the relationship again he starts treating you poorly and all these mixed signals are driving you bonkers.

Real men say what they mean, there is no hidden context.  Real men treat their women well.  My personal opinion is that he's become emotionally attached to you he. He likes certain things you offer to him as a GF, but at the same time he kind of resents being with you for whatever weird reason of his, like some sick twisted interdependence.  So instead of talking to you about how he feels about you and the relationship he acts like a complete arse and is mean to you.  This is a typical behavior of a child wanting someone to express unconditional love to them, they act out and act ridiculous and they’re parents still love them and put up with them.  This is not behavior you should want or have to tolerate in a serious, long term, mutually respectful, and loving relationship.

And the whole, “I’ll change, I’ll change, I promise,"  is just a bunch of silliness.  How many times has he made this promise? How many times has he broken it?  Why are you putting up with his bad behavior?  We all are who we are for the most part and until this boy of yours has some serious life altering event he'll most likely always be pulling this Jekyll-Hyde stuff with you for the duration of your on again off again relationship.  If you can't accept him and his bad behavior and he won't talk to you about what's really bothering him considering moving on and cutting all ties to him.

His weepiness may just be his age and inexperience with relationships.  I know the compulsion is to feel empathy for the weepy party, but you need to love yourself first and foremost.  If you've been dating this guy on and off again since high-school, it's time to break free give yourself some time to figure out who you are and then go find yourself a man that will treat you well and with respect. A different man, and I emphasize different.

You deserve to be treated well and feel loved at all times, not all relationships are perfect, but there is a right way and a wrong way to handle disagreements and relationship frustrations.  In the end it's all about finding that special someone that you can deal with all their weird crap, and if you can't deal with this boys crap, stop torturing yourself and move on.  It’s really hard to breakup sometimes when you’ve been together for so long, but ask yourself a few questions:

Are you growing in the relationship as an individual and as a couple?
Do you feel happy and content in the relationship? 
Do you see yourself with this person five, ten, twenty-plus years from now?  It’s not going to get any better and why try to wait for him to change?

Your course of action in the relationship should be obvious, even though it may be hard to comes to term with being a single woman again life is too short to spend it in a quasi-miserable state with someone who doesn’t truly love you and treat you the way you want to be treated.

You need to follow through with your verbalization of disgust with his behavior. It’s just going to get more ridiculous and he’s just going to drive you more crazy, until one day you just finally snap and walk out on him anyway.  Saying to yourself, “Why did I waste another X number of years with this zero?!"   And since he’s acting like he doesn’t want to be with you anymore let him taste the loss of you permanently.  Be strong, do not give into his tears and take him back. Move on with your life.  Either he’ll get act together and be a better man for another person, or he’ll just continue being himself and not learn anything from loosing you.  But whatever you do, don’t get back together with this guy after you make a decision to no longer be in the relationship, if that’s what you want and need to be happy again.

wow i just read all what was going on  nd i think u should b an agony aunt  that was the best advice any1 could ever give nd i bet you helped her a hole heap xxx

Kellie Leah wrote:

buttcrack wrote:

kellieleah dont bother with this website anymore, just write a book (that was a compliment not an insult)

i could write a book about relationships, but who would read it?!

i think i just kind of like the interactivity of the forums, maybe an advice column instead, tehee!

Let me know if you do write one, I want the first copy! haha