#1 12-04-2011 11:13

Shimmercreek
Little Bimbo
shimmercreek
Registered: 11-26-2011
Posts: 171

Please critique my prose :)

I wrote this when I was going through a very dark chapter in my life. I found it again yesterday and I, dunno, I guess I just wanted to share it with the world. Please write below to see how you like it. Thanks smile


Roads

It’s a fork. There’s a fork in the roads. Both are enveloped in a thick fog, I can’t see where they end, or what they’re like. One’s bumpy, one isn’t.  I don’t know which one to take. I’m tired, dreary, fatigued right now. Choosing paths doesn’t seem too important right now.  I stumble onto one, but the moment my shoes crunch against the gravel, the fog clears. I see pain, mistrust, greed, torture. Horrified, I turn back, but the gate is locked. Little fleas nibble away at my feet, forcing me to walk. I have no option but to walk. Carcasses of other unfortunate travelers litter the ground. I witness terrible, terrible things. After walking for goodness knows how long, I’m confronted by my once confidante. He is angered and thrashes me, bruises me, breaks me down. Then he drags me up and beats me again till I can barely breathe.


I'm one of those rare people who accept all non-staked challenges.

Offline

 

#2 12-05-2011 17:26

Danniibobz
Big beaver Bimbo
danniibobz
Registered: 08-08-2010
Posts: 754
Website

Re: Please critique my prose :)

This is great, it really set the scene for me and i had a clear picture in my head while reading which some authors can struggle to do, the only thing i would say is set the scene just a little more, what can you see, hear, smell etc. But thats only if you'll carry on writing maybe into a book or a short story, i'd love to see more of your work smile
Also, it sets the mood very well, like i can tell you've been through a tough time even without you telling me. I struggle to find books that i can really see in my head, that set the scene well, and this little piece of writing did just that! Keep it up, id love to see more smile


http://photo.missbimbo.com/3/1399/moy/1118703.jpg
My Boutique
My Profile
THE MORE CHALLENGES THE BETTER!

Offline

 

#3 12-06-2011 11:59

Shimmercreek
Little Bimbo
shimmercreek
Registered: 11-26-2011
Posts: 171

Re: Please critique my prose :)

Thanks smile


I'm one of those rare people who accept all non-staked challenges.

Offline

 

#4 12-08-2011 11:36

Daredevil2
Newbie Bimbo
Registered: 12-08-2011
Posts: 6

Re: Please critique my prose :)

Nice post shared...

Offline

 

#5 12-11-2011 08:03

Shimmercreek
Little Bimbo
shimmercreek
Registered: 11-26-2011
Posts: 171

Re: Please critique my prose :)

I hope that isnt sarcasm wink


I'm one of those rare people who accept all non-staked challenges.

Offline

 

#6 12-15-2011 17:42

Liv373074
Baby Bimbo
Liv373074
From: LaLaLand
Registered: 08-02-2011
Posts: 124

Re: Please critique my prose :)

thats nice smile

__________________

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Peace & Love


Let's have the time of our lives!
Like theres noone else around
Just throw your hands up high
Even when they try to take us down
Let's have the time of our lives
Till the lights burn out
Let's laugh until we cry.


Peace & Love

http://photo.missbimbo.com/thumbs/ul/6/4/1578/1261973.png

Offline

 

#7 12-17-2011 12:28

Sasijaha
Newbie Bimbo
Registered: 06-12-2008
Posts: 6

Re: Please critique my prose :)

i loved it smile

Offline

 

#8 01-22-2012 12:08

Rosettacharms2
Big beaver Bimbo
rosettacharms2
From: london
Registered: 12-19-2009
Posts: 935
Website

Re: Please critique my prose :)

Wow! nice writting skills really enjoyed it smile


http://photo.missbimbo.com/thumbs/ul/7/4/1571/1256715.png

Offline

 

Board footer

© MissBimbo.com 2012, Blighty Arts registered in England No 05523313