Dear Diary,

Why cant he just tell me whats going on?
Iv lost everything by just meeting up with him.
Hes led me on, why cant I just stop thinking about him?
No one to talk to, No one to trust.

Dear Diary,

I feel like total rubbish right now. I have just been ill for about, 10 days, and I haven't yet fully recovered, so I'm sitting here with a soaring headache, a running nose, a fever and a cough. I have a mathematics test due on next Monday (now: Friday evening) and my mum says I need to expect to be going to school again then. I missed all lessons this week, so including math lessons, so I also missed all the theory and the chance to ask questions. My mum says that if I really, really don't understand it, that I am allowed to e-mail the teacher and ask for a week extra (for the illness reasons).
But my dad studied mathematics (and some very very difficult type of economics that involves soo much math as well), so he can explain me everything. Otherwise he is going to tell me that I should ask him. But I don't want to, because he is going to think I am dumb, for I by far now know enough about the chapter to even talk about it.
And then he is going to think that I didn't work, because I don't know a thing, and it's like, two, three days before the test. And he talks so fast when he is talking about mathematics, he explains as if I am supposed to know everything, while I don't.
I am afraid I might not even be able to tell him the basic of mathematics.
I totally get failing grades for it, always. And now even, my parents say like:
"Oh, she will never get a passing grade, because we know she can't do better than this."
I feel so, so bad when I hear that. And then I start to cry. And my mum hates that.
My mum hates that I cry. Especially when she thinks it is for no reason, even when I feel that is a reason, after all! But she doesn't see it.
And I want them to be proud, but I cannot make them proud, because I fail so hard in that subject, and also in economics. Then, whenever I do something that will not help me educate at all, I feel so bad. And whenever my parents get angry at me for not doing anything for mathematics, it hurts me. But they don't see that, they don't get it that it hurts. And nobody really understands me, at all. All my friends think that I am this "ideal" daughter, but they don't have a clue. I cry myself to sleep sometimes.
I feel so bad about myself, that I don't eat, I don't drink, even when I'm not ill or whatever.
And my parents don't know. And the worst part of all is probably that I want them to be proud, but I cannot ever make them. And then I feel like all my hard work doesn't even pay off. I don't know what I am going to do with my future. I don't even have a clue. My parents urge on it (especially my mum) that I should start thinking what to do with my future, what I want, but the only thing that counts for me on the moment, are grades. And I don't see a life for me besides grades. I want a happy life, probably just like everyone else, but I just don't see how I am going to achieve that.
And they hurt me so much, they don't know. I feel so bad about myself at times.
I want them to understand, but they won't, they just can't because they don't know how I feel. I so very often feel like I am the odd one out at home, and I can't stand it anymore. This is going to be a long, long diary entry .
I am crying right now. The tears are splashing on my cheeks, on my arms, on the laptop... And I cannot even seem to find any escape from all of this, except crying and wishing I was free. Free from math, free from my parents, and free from all lecture that I don't deserve. That was probably not even directed at me when I would not have existed. But I do exist. And don't get this wrong, I love my parents. But sometimes, I can just hate them. And I want myself to believe that they hate me too, but they don't. And, actually, I know that. But I just don't want to know.
I want to believe that they really hate me, that they don't like me and that I am indeed the daughter that just is stupid, or whatever.
And I'm absolutely not on the brink of suicide, whatsoever, please don't think that!
Cause I'm not, I'm far from it, actually
The only point is, my parents just don't know me, and that hurts me.
A lot of things hurt me, actually. But I just don't know how to get away from it.
I want to, but I just can't. And whenever I cry just because of school, homework, myself or any reason my mum cannot picture, she gets angry with me.
And I try to explain, but I can't, because I cannot seem to find the right words.
And whatever I say that could work against me, I avoid saying, because I know she will use it against me, anyway.
And my dad, well my dad. He is nice, he is "okay", but he can get so angry, so fast.
And then you should get out of his way, because you don't want to get upset yourself.
Don't get me wrong here either, he doesn't hit or whatever, but he remarks.
He makes comments, he gets mad at you. And you don't, don't want to be the victim for not sitting straight, not going upstairs immediately, crying, or pulling a silly face.
And with silly face I mean: rolling your eyes, not blinking for just too long, (when in a fight, tho) staring, looking angry (according to them).

Anyway, I should go now.
I should get some sleep, then maybe the headache will drift by, so will my hopes for a passing grade.

Oh, and btw, don't call me dramatic! Cause I know this sounds dramatic, but it's just the truth, so don't say that. I don't like that. And I know that sounds pathetic, but I just don't care enough to delete this last few lines : p

xxx

Hiyaaaah diary

My sister is coming home for a wholeee month today :3 I'm very happy. :3
I got a C on history exam, which I'm not fussed about. In fact, I've come to the conclusion I will definately fail all my exams. But I don't mind.

Byeeeeee.

Dear Diary,

I have still not fully recovered from illness, and yet my mum sends me upstairs to my bedroom. Why? Because my brother hits me, swears at me, makes comments about me, and does very, very nasty. I make one tiny comment, and my parents start a fight with me. My brother smirks and escapes upstairs. Ugh, I can totally hate them right now!
I have that math test due on Monday, and I honestly don't know how I am ever going to succeed in that.

Ever since my father has returned home from work (during the week he is gone, he is only home in the weekends), everybody is arguing. That is totally weird...
During the week, fights are really rare. I think that is so because my mum can be kinder than my dad... But I don't know.
I am crying again now. I don't know why, and I am oh so glad my parents are not around to comment on it anymore. I just cannot handle it anymore!
The commenting on me, the punishing of me, the yelling at me.
Why can't they just leave me alone for a change? Why do they always have to pick on me? My sister (7) often chooses my side, but only when I am nice to her.
When my brother (10, almost 11) fakes his "being nice", she just chooses his side and says his lies about me are true!
That is part of my existence. I have a feeling all I do in this stupid house is eating, sleeping, making homework. That is all. I have a feeling that school is so much more a part of my life. My mum last said to me: "It looks like you tell your friends more than what you tell me." Duh! I don't want to share my secrets with my mother!
Not in the state she is now.

Due to my illness, I have this infection in my mouth, causing everything I eat and drink to taste differently than it usually does. So this morning, my parents put all kinds of food on the table, like peanut butter (I hate peanut butter!) and cheese (I hate cheese too!) and milk, and yoghurt with cruesli (bluh!). And then they forced me to eat something. But due to that infection, even the cucumber and grapes tasted nasty!
And also, I was not hungry either. But they said I had to eat something, so I ate one piece of bread in an hour. That was not a pleasant experience. At all.
We were out of butter, so I ate to use this butter that was really creamy and all, and I absolutely hate that, even without the infection. So that just made it all worse.

And if that was not enough, after that I had to concentrate on math! That just didn't work out well. I am not really any farther than the paragraph I started in today.
So then I walked downstairs, planning to remind my mum what she said earlier this week: "If you want, and if you really cannot finish on time, you can e-mail your math teacher and ask if you can make the test one week later."
So I just told her that, and she immediately denied that! And only because my dad was listening to the conversation. They make me so sick at times!
And then my mum said: "Are you still so chagrined, or are you (hopefully!) going to end soon? And  I don't mind if you get a failing grade, apparently you can't do any better."
And then I started to cry, and then my father started to interfere. "Stop crying, you baby! Get to work, you're 15! You're not 3 anymore!" And he walked upstairs. My mum sent me upstairs, so I followed my father. And he began arguing with me again, interrupting me all the time, and getting madder and madder.
Finally, I just slowly walked up the stairs, ignoring whatever he said. "Are you even listening to me, young lady?!"
So I slammed the door, as hard as I could. And I fell on my bed, sobbing, when the last words I heard were "oh, and now suddenly you are allowed to slam with doors?!"

Then I stood up from my bed again, walked to the laptop and started typing this "Dear Diary" entry.
I hate them!!

xxx

dear diary,
me & my family traveled for over 80km for some garden just to see that it was closed. "come back in march!" =.= it is march...

Dear Diary,
  I hate my moms boyfriend!He rolls his eyes at me and he told me to shut up once.I didnt tell my mom because I know that she wouldnt care.I really do hate him and Im going to punch him on the face.Hell fall to the ground and Ill be laughing.I just have to find a time and way to do that.I dont like to keep on typing so im just going to stop.

hiiii

Dear diary

Had a rather good day today! And over the weekend too XD My old best friend has started speaking to me again which is making me happy and getting lots of guy attention which is never unwelcome and a guy in my class who is rather hot gave me his number without me even asking him :S nice nice. just wish some people would come on line so i can flex my flirting skills

Dear Diary,

I need a real freaking diary and not a forum T.T

Sincere as I can be,

N. (LF)

Hey Sweet, Sweet Diary,

Today was such a  mentally-exhausting day, it was a day a of descovries and concluisions ;p, I started off being amazed at how people aren't as intimidating as they seem, infact they can be laughably simple, every-day kind of people, it's the focus on anything that makes it seem quite more then it really is, but what amazed me more was my sudden realize of that, it came as if I suddenly hit my head without even noticing, but sure enough I didn't do that, wonder what suddenly made me a philosopher, taking in mind that I've always tried to prevent myself from thinking really hard, because mostly I don't like the outcome, and because my own mind almost always proves that I'm doomed, but my thinking was positive that time, when I least expect it to be, and obviously, my mind works anyway ;p, even in cases like today, when I didn't really expect it to, so trying to prevent myself from thinking is...ugh really indifferent, and happily, that thought isn't as deppressing as I expected it to be

(Sorry, I know I'm no pro and that came out terrible, but at least, it came out! ;p)

dear diary!!!
today is a great day...i fell very happy because i am going to do a great project about miss bimbo in my school...after i finnish i will tell ya whats all about...

Dear Diary.
Today was the last day of term, so I have now broken up for Easter . Which I'm happy about, so I can actually sit down and relax for a couple of weeks, before my final term at College.
My presentation went really well, and my Tutor was really impressed with what I had done, even though I actually hated the song I picked (but I thought it would be good to write about something that I didn't like) he actually grew to love the song, and made everyone listen to it on repeat for the last three hours of the day! I WANTED TO CRY!

Dear diary,
today was awesome day! my sister came back from italy and she bought me some great gifts! I realy miss her but she comes every second weekend. That is enough for today , see you tomorrow!